Posted on June 04th, 2003 07:01 PM by admin

By Steve Markos author of the book Russian Women F. A. Q.

Q: My fiancée doesn’t want anyone to know that she is going to marry an American and leave for the USA. Only her family and a few very close friends know about it. Is this strange or what?

When you live in an impoverished country where nobody has anything worth while in their lives, jealously of others who stumble upon good fortune is a serious problem. A life in America is certainly something that most Russians would be jealous of. My own wife experienced this behavior from many acquaintances. At work, her salary was cut in half because the boss felt that she didn’t need the money since she had an American boyfriend.

It may seem extreme to say that Russian people can only find joy in another’s misery, but sadly this is what things have come to in their culture. Russians hate to see anyone with something better than they have. While Americans typically express jealousy towards the success of others by attempting to out do them, Russians are more likely to try pull them back down to the same level of general misery as everyone else. Whenever one Russian comes across some good fortune, everyone but family and the best of friends will go around bad mouthing him/her or go out of their way to do this person harm. In regards to your fiancée, nothing could make people happier than to see her engagement cut off. This is one reason why she is not telling many people about her situation.

Another reason is because Russians are very superstitious people and one such superstition is that if you talk about something, then it won’t happen. This is at the heart of one Russian trait that drives me crazy—lack of planning ahead. They just don’t do it. Americans plan elaborate vacations six months ahead of time. Many Russians don’t do this because they feel that if they start thinking about it that it won’t come true. I knew one woman in Kiev who on a Thursday evening couldn’t tell me whether or not she was going to Crimea on Friday. A trip to Crimea is a huge undertaking, yet there was absolutely no advanced planning. Thus, many women are reluctant to talk about future plans such as marriage or moving to America.